I have the sweetest friends. Before I even showered on Sunday, I had about 5 texts from my friends wishing me a happy first Mother’s Day. Some even threw in compliments on my baby bump. Or that they think I will be a great mom. It could be the hormones talking but each one made me tear up. I am 100% scared to death of being a mom, but I also can’t wait. I know August will be here before I know it, and I am excited to meet this little lady. To see what she looks like. To see if she is as wild as she seems when she is having a late night dance party in my belly at 2 am. To see what she is like.
But I am not a mom. Yet.
Mother’s Day is a tough day in my household. My husband lost his mom to cancer in August of 2014. Mother’s Day brings up a lot of emotions in him in the weeks leading up to it and especially on that day. He throws himself into work or projects around the house and is always ‘busy’ when my family is celebrating Mother’s Day. And I completely understand.
This year, Mother’s Day was a big pile of emotion for me. I am pretty much in control of my emotions. I am not a crier. Even with hormones, I have had very few crying fits. I mostly express my emotions with humor or yelling. It’s a treat. But I do not cry much. But as I drove to Trader Joe’s on Mother’s Day to pick up four bouquets of flowers for the mamas I was going to see that day (my mom, my Mawmaw, my bonus mom (stepmom) Ann and my aunt Paula), I found my mind wandering. Thinking about this baby coming soon and just being completely heartbroken that Matt’s mom won’t get to meet her. Or know her. Or hold her. Or anything grandmas should get to do with their grandbabies. It’s just unfair. Unfair for him to lose his mama so young. Unfair for her that she doesn’t get to be here. Unfair for our kid or kids because they don’t get to know her. And so I just cried my eyeballs out.
I think Mother’s Day is hard for a lot of people. I, personally, know several people who are currently trying to get pregnant without any luck, people who have recently had a miscarriage, people who want to be pregnant so bad but for a variety of reasons are not able to be pregnant at the moment. And there are a lot of people who don’t have their moms anymore who don’t need a day reminding them of that person that is missing. And I would imagine that this day breaks their hearts. I am grateful to have my mom and to be pregnant and I try not to take that for granted. Especially on Mother’s Day.
My husband told me he was going to get me a Mother’s Day gift, but decided not to because he knows me well. I mean he literally said “I didn’t get you a gift because I know how you are.” And he was 100% correct. This is not my year for Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is for people who have kids. Who do that hard work every day to take care of kids. Or who have raised kids. But I haven’t put in the work yet. I haven’t changed the diapers. Or paid for babysitters. Or cleaned up poop. Or put anyone in time out. Aside from puking for a couple of months, I haven’t done the hard work.
So I spent a lot of the day enjoying the mamas in my life. But I didn’t celebrate the day for me. Not yet. Next year though, maybe I will have a mimosa.